he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
