remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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