I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
