I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sorry about my life...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
