i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
one might say we're banned from that church
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
They are going to name an STD after you.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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