I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
