Your face is a jimmy john
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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