My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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