Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
