From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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