Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
