no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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