he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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