I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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