Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
