Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
