I will die if light touches me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
