I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
