he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
