don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
