she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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