if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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