I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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