I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
