She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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