why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
