She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
ok first of all what the fuck
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
