Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
