Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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