you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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