I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
