Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
