In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
