the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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