when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
