Capitaan dildo arrescate!
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
