Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
