so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
