i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
we're making bets on your personal life
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
