i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
