Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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