it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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