My boss' voice literally gives me gas
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
