I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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