Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
