I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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