Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
