It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
