I think I won the penis lottery.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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