What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
