I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
