his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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