Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
