i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
